Yom Kippur and the 9th Step
Over Yom Kippur I was thinking about and reading a lot of the prayers in the Machzor and trying to relate them to my program. I believe that my program gives me a better understanding of my Judaism and my Judaism gives me a better understanding of my program. I was thinking about the 9th step and how it relates to Yom Kippur.
Here is my thought.
In the 9th step we are told “to make amends to people we had harmed except when to do so would injure them or others.” DON’T say I am sorry and I feel bad, because its not about how I feel, its about THE OTHER PERSON. Say “this is what I did, this is how I was wrong, and this is how I live my life differently now” because again it is not about how bad we feel or if the other person will forgive us, In fact that’s not even part of the equation, what matters is that we say what we are required to, to the person we harmed, and we keep our side of the street clean while we do so . And that we have CHANGED OUR ACTIONS
At first I thought Yom Kippur was the exact opposite. We sit and pray and ask G-d for forgiveness and in an almost patronizing way we spend a month telling him how great powerful and almighty he is and why he should forgive us based on our forefathers merit. (Doesn’t sound like a very good 9th step). Then it hit me. I am not asking forgiveness in the way I think its good. I am asking forgiveness in the way G-d wants to be asked. That is almost the definition of a living amends. I am spending all day doing something against my nature ( not eating and praying out of a book) not because it makes me feel good, but because it is what the person (G-d in this case) I harmed will respond to. I did my part and that’s what I need in order to receive the promises I have been given.
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Interesting. I always tell people that we do the 9th step different than what the big book say, because we ask for forgiveness... u make an excellent point. i'm just not sure how it would fit when you ask forgiveness from other humans.
To clarify you question comment for everyone. In Judaism we need to atone for our sins and ask G-d for forgiveness only after we have asked and gotten forgiveness from the other people we have harmed. So how can I say that G-d is only requiring our effort, not our results?
My answer is that in the big book we have very specific instructions on how to work the steps and make our amends (6th Chapter, Into Action). The Torah gives us guidelines as well (I can’t quote you exact source, but this I remember) But from what I remember these are important points. 1) Don’t ask for forgiveness right away. You need to give the other person time to “cool off” 2) If the person doesn’t forgive you need to ask a second or even a third time for forgiveness. 3) If after the third time the person still doesn’t forgive you can ask forgiveness from G-d b/c you have done your part.
The way I see it G-d is saying you need to ask for forgiveness. If the other person didn’t forgive you maybe you were not humble or made it all about you so try again. The second time is not as easy. The third time is DEFINATLY a hard thing to do. And if you have honestly gone in front of someone 3 times and asked forgiveness you have humbled yourself and are keeping your side of the street clean.
I see the torah and big book lining up pretty well her. The method is not the same but the idea and purpose is. But this is only my opinion and clearly I am under qualified to be giving Torah Proofs. Rabbi Ben A. If you reading this, PLEASE respond and tell me what you think. You are one of the only people I know who IS Qualified to answer these type of questions.
Great post, ben r.
Yes! I agree with you. Contrary to popular misconception, Yom Kippur is NOT about getting forgiven. Forgiveness you can get all year round. Yom Kippur is about ATONEMENT. Big difference.
Forgiveness means that I'm off the hook. Atonement means that the relationship has been completely restored.
Atonement in Hebrew is kapora, which means "wiping up." If I spill my grape juice on your carpet, I can say sorry and be forgiven. But the stain is still there. Atonement only comes when I get the carpet cleaners to come make your carpet good as new.
And this is exactly what we do in the 9th step. Amends are not apologies. Making amends means removing the stain, making things right again, restoring the relationship. If an apology will make the person feel better, then we may include an apology in the amends. But the main thing is that we make it up to the person in a way that is significant to THEM.
So I really love what you posted. You're exactly right. Our amends to G-d is not an apology but rather a sincere attempt to restore the relationship on HIS terms the way HE likes it. Of course, if you just come to shul on RH and YK, then that's not really an amends. The amends is a long term project where we show the one we have harmed that we have honestly changed and changed permanently.
Rabbi Ben A,
Where I come from we would call you a ROCKSTAR.
You know your trade, love to share it, and people listen.
I grew up with a Judaism that I did not have a taste for, and Addiction that I did (have a taste for). Your lessons on Torah and recovery have impacted me in a huge way. As we approach Simchat Torah and are getting ready to start the cycle of reading again I hope you come back to us and post weekly thoughts.
I used to think “I had heard all that stuff already" after your posts, I know where my place is. That is thirsting for your posts on a weekly basis. The stories of the book of Bereshit are colorful, and for the most part I have a view of them as a story book like most people who learn them as a child. I would love to get an adult/recovery view of Bereshit. I think I speak for most if not everyone here when I say we miss your posts and hope you come back on a regular basis.
( No Pressure) ( Ok Maybe a little)
I agree, we all have good stuff but some of us are more qualifiied than others and Ben A you fall into that category and i have gotten a lot out of your posts and also hope you will return to us.
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