Why do I work this Program?
Step one is difficult for me sometimes. I find one side of my brain trying to convince the other side of my brain that I am not an addict. Just a kid who partied too hard and needed a little brake. Then I remember what a mess I made when I was using. A mess of myself, my life, and the people around me. It took a long time to clean up that mess (I am still working on it). But when I remember that, I know I can’t drink today.
I was not drinking for almost a year and a half before I started working this program, and the only reason I did start working this program was when I realized that Step one is “don’t drink” steps 2 through 12 are “change your life so you don’t have the compulsion to drink.” The compulsion to drink almost drove me crazy for the first year and a half.
This morning when I woke up, I had no desire to pray. I had 1,000 reasons in my head for why I should wait until later to pray (which usually means skip that day). But then I remembered I am working a program that promises me a freedom from the compulsion to drink, that I will intuitively know how to handle situations that baffle me, and a high road to live on. If I need 5 minutes in the morning to do that, so be it.
I feel better already.
2 shares:
I have been doing very well with this program. I am beginning to really grow. My main problem is that I have not found a support system of people. A few that I called, I am not into calling them again. Mainly, that they just seem to preach on the phone to me, when I was the one who called and wanted to shmooze. But I will find people eventually have to keep trying. I find the NA people seem more to my liking.
As far as booze I so rarely am tormented by it, hardly ever do I think, gee, I wish I could have a drink right now. It is to the point that I mostly fear that I will forget momentarily that I am an alchoholic and have some.
At SHules, leave me alone with the Kiddish by the way. I don't like that boozy smell in the room every Shabbos, so I just don't go there.
Which is OK I overate anyway.
One thing about Rosh HaShanan I felt HaShem's presence alot. But one thing I can't seem to understand, now if I don't daven today or make a Bracha or eat with a Yalmuka, that is bad, G-d does not like that.
Or, does He still love me? I pray to G-d every day, every moment that I should not be tempted in substances. That I should not be in such a foul mood that I will have a bit of smoke.
It seems like these foul moods are out of my control and with out a sponser or a support group, it is almost impossible.
So I will get more people but right now, I have a terrible cold and am not going to a meeting sneezing all the time.
A good year to all.
I will be changing my blogger name soon, but I will still come around here.
Ben R. -
Luckily for us you chose the difficult way of actually working the program instead of giving up and going back to drink, just a little. Looking back, and looking at others, the natural way to go was to the bar, not to the rooms.
FJIR -
G-d loves you unconditionally no matter what you do, just like a parent loves his child no matter how he behaves. When you do G_d's will, you are not buying His love, just giving Him some extra nachas.
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