One Sober Thing Begets Another

I haven't had a drink in almost 2 years, nor have I had any compulsion to drink. During this time I have been active with many things, and I discovered that I was able to be social without the crutch of alcohol. In fact, I found myself fully capable of being in social situations where other people were drinking without any regard for alcohol.

Yet this was not enough. This is never enough.

Why? Because I can't take alcohol out of my system without first fixing my system. Maybe that's why when I attend A.A. and other meetings I hear that it's sufficient to "have the desire" to be sober. But how long did it take for my brain to really understand this concept? Well, I must honestly say to myself that it was a difficult year-plus digestion of something that, while not only was quite simple in theory, but something my ears had been hearing at least 3 times a week. In fact, it was something that I made the choice to witness each week. Yet I did not "get IT".

But herein lies my problem. I could go to meetings, I could refrain from drinking. Certainly this was an improvement in my life. I donated my time when I could afford to, I helped others as best as I could. I started countless dozens of things that I did to change my life, and I spent more and more time with people who were sober. But these improvements, these actions, were but a shadow to me while I sat quietly in the corner of my own issues. I watched as people in the program created sparks in their lives that illuminated vast personal progress; I witnessed the hope emanate from these souls yet found nothing for myself but despair.

And throughout I was tired of saying I'm sober while the response was consistently, "No, you're not."

"WHAT? What do you mean? I haven't had a drink in well over a year -- I'M SOBER!"

Again, "No, you're not sober, you just aren't drinking right now."

Nothing prevailed but this attitude. I was getting nowhere but another day further from my last drink. I did not understand, nor did this fix my problem. Give me a book on physics, philosophy or poetry. That I could devour, internalize and make it my own. But give me a definition of sobriety, and this took 14 months to comprehend.

How many times can a person bang their head against the wall? How long does one suffer the pain of knowledge before change begins? I mean, if I smash my head into a brick enough times, let alone a wall of bricks, I may actually puncture my head. Right?

Well, it's the same thing with my road to recovery (eat that Kerouac). During this time I did not cease from trying. I kept coming. I remained resolved to take action. I stayed focused on my intent.

And something happened. I changed. Given enough time we all change.

And this is the foundational way all goals, habits and disciplines are created. By doing ONE THING. By doing this one thing over and over again until it's a habit, then a disciple and a means for growth. My wife said it quite well in a letter to a Rabbi last week: "that taking action taps into our spirituality." Because my action is not enough, but my continuous action begets change, and that is where the spark of spirituality begins. With Change.

For myself it was insufficient to be successful on arriving at Step One. I realized that while I put away the drinking my mental behavior remained relatively the same as when I was drinking. It was here that I finally accepted the Maladay, the spiritual barrier. I had to break that wall down and get beyond Step One, then Step Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven...and so on.

I tend to think this experience is similar to the choice of observing the Torah and learning to do so. I made a commitment to observe Shabbat in January. While not in it's entirety, at least I started with one aspect. By doing this every week with only a few minor exceptions, everything else around me began to change. I changed. My home changed. And my perspective changed.

And so it goes. Rabbi Pinson once mentioned that becoming more observant goes hand-in-hand with recovery. Well, I can say that it parallels it nicely. Sure, one Mitzvah at a time, one Day at a time. It's the same thing.

But I'm the one who has to pick up the pieces of the wall. My head hurts, but least my hands are still intact.