Obstacles or Opportunities

During what I thought were the healthier days of my adulthood, I was good at multi-tasking. My To Do list was not something I procrastinated over. I took great pride in my ability to quickly move through each item on the list, furiously checking off each task I had completed so I could clear up my schedule to start the next day with a clean page of chores.

I became obsessed with getting through each days list. My lists were growing because I created things to do in mind that were VERY important. Heaven for bid some other obligation or errand was requested of me by a family member, my children’s school or my job. Any additions to my list became obstacles.

Frantically, I would run from place to place trying to accomplish what was on my list. If I had to wait in a long line at a store, I would fret over how quickly I could get out there and onto the next place. Rarely, did I take time to relax. Only, at bedtime, would I lay my head on the pillow and try to fall asleep…thinking about what I had to do the next day.

This perpetual state of living for tomorrow manifested itself into a variety of anxieties. I was “irritable, restless and discontent.” Alcohol and prescription meds became my escape. Before I knew it, I was unable to function with or without alcohol or drugs. Those days of multi-tasking seemed like a life time ago. My list became non-existent. I stopped making appointments, running errands and cooking meals. It was an effort just to get out of bed. My greatest obstacle had become my addiction.

Not only was I overmedicated, I was so filled with guilt and shame of what I had become. As my disease progressed, my insanity increased. My thoughts were that the only way out of my misery was to die. I prayed to G-d for him to take me out of my misery. I’m forever grateful that He answered me by giving me the courage to get help.

With the help of Alcoholics Anonymous and the Jewish recovery community, I have learned to live “One day at a time.” AA taught me that I did not have to live the way I was living. My greatest obstacle had become my greatest opportunity. One of the gifts I’ve received in my recovery is being able to lay my head down on my pillow at night without thinking about tomorrow. Working the 12 steps of AA gave me the freedom to “live life on life’s terms.” The spiritual awakening I had as a result of working these steps is the solution to my problem.