What Don't You Like About Reality
Or, How is G-d Not Running the World to Your Satisfaction?
I was talking to a recovering meth addict the other day who has some long term sobriety but is now struggling again. I asked him to tell me about the G-d of his understanding.
"Kind, compassionate, forgiving, all-knowing," he told me.
"What about in control?" I asked.
I told him that for me (just me, forget that I'm the rabbi for a minute) the first and most important quality I must attribute to the G-d of my understanding is that He is control. Kind, compassionate, forgiving and all-knowing will not keep me sober. I have to know that G-d is in absolute control.
"So what is it about reality that you don't like?" I asked.
"It's boring."
That shocked me. When I forget that G-d is making everything just the way it should be, I feel resentful, victimized and hurt. So I drink.
Here, this guy tells me that when he forgets that G-d is making everything just the way it should be, he feels bored.
Interesting distinction. Perhaps that is the difference between those who drink to numb the senses and those who drug to heighten them - pain vs. boredom.
Although, I wonder if pain isn't also his driving force. Otherwise, why would someone feel so acutely that reality wasn't distracting enough?
So, here's the question: what is it that you don't like about reality? How is G-d not running the world to your satisfaction.
Based on this conversation, I told a group of students (non-addicts) last night, "If you are worried, anxious, resentful or bored, you have a serious problem in your relationship with G-d."
9 shares:
"Control"...
That is SUCH bullshit!!!
I don't need or want a God who is in CONTROL. I'VE HAD IT WITH FUCKIN' CONTROL!!!
My father, God bless his FUCKIN STUPIDASS HEAD, was in control. Every FUCKING LITTLE THING I DID, he was in CONTROL.
[can you guess by now that i resent control? And can you also guess by now that I have a MAJOR control-freakism problem?]
I want to share with you, dear civilian rabbi who knows nothing about addiction (sorry! I'm just pissed off right now), what my problem with the Third Step was:
"...turn our will and our lives over to... God..."
For a long time I could and would not do such a thing, as 1) the addict's understanding of God is based on his relationship with his father and hence 2) if one had an abusive, unpredictable father like I did, then he will grow up seeking to flee and cast off and distrust God, therefore 3) Since I am an addict with an ASSHOLE for a human father, I did not trust God as the embracing, patient, friendly, smiling, safe, trustworthy, reliable and yes, even predictable God that He truly is.
the turning point was when the word "care" struck me.
It's not "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the TOTALITARIANISM of God..." or
"We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the DICTATORSHIP of God..." or "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the DOMINATION of God..." or "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the CONTROL of God..."
It's: "... the CARE of God..."
God _cares_! Wow.
Still very hard for me to trust Him. I can't quite yet believe that He is Good, and will not hurt me.
Can't believe that He cares about little ol' me.
I just have to open my heart and trust Him. Whole new relationship. I'm working on it.
Thanks for reading.
I see where you are coming from HM, but no need to be upset at rabbi Ben A. he is actually a standing member of AA and a recovering alcoholic. he speaks only from experience.
Interesting,
"The addicts understanding of
G-d is based on the relationship with his father."
I don't know where you got that one. I think you made a mistake when lashing out at someone in recovery who happens to be a Rabbi.
If I were you I would be upset at who ever told you that.
I am really holding back right now. I just wrote a whole paragraph about this post and deleted it.
Instead of commenting directly to your post I would ask that you read "My latest excuse."- I'm sure as soon as you look at the post you will know that I wrote it. That's not the point. Anyone could have written it. What do you think about the mesage? I'm curious.
HM - When I talk about how important it is to me to believe, first and foremost, that G-d is in control, I am not speaking as a rabbi. I'm speaking as an alcoholic in recovery.
If I weren't an alcoholic, I might be happy with a CARING G-d. But caring doesn't cut it for me. Who cares if you're being cared for by Someone who is wimpy and incompitent? At least for me, it doesn't do much for my serenity. "G-d loves you" won't keep me from crumbling before the pressures of reality, but "G-d's in control" will.
As far as your reaction to the word "control," why do you equate that with "totalitarianism, dictatorship and domination"? For me G-d's control is more like a big, strong father who tells me, "I've GOT you, son. And I am NOT letting go!"
This is a very intresting discussion. I never thought of the idea of the importance of looking at G-d as the One in control.
To HM, maybe this idea of G-d being in control can help you with the issues of your father. Prehaps when you realise that your father is just an a-hole who THINKS he is in control while G-d is actualy in control.
Rabbi,
"...but no need to be upset..."
Um, feelings are reactions, ok? People do NOT control them like they're some sort of keychains we can pick up and put down. We cannot "not be upset."
See, there are two parts to feelings: the initial reaction (i.e. anger/fear/hate/frustration/sadness), and 2, how we REACT to that initial feeling
For example, we can get cut off by a crazy driver. There is that initial reaction of anger. THEN, there is the second feeling, which is the reaction to the first.
now, THAT we can do something about.
The first one we can't.
Very critical, rabbi, to make that distinction. We can't NOT be angry any more than a blonde can stop being blonde. What we CAN do is train ourselves to react properly to the anger (or fear, etc.)
But to say "don't be upset" is... well, I'll stop while i'm ahead.
I have a terrible urge to really get rude here, but I'll just surrender it and pray instead.
Heller C:
I got "that one" from a guy sober 14 years. I also just wrote and erased a nasty comment.
Rabbi Ben A.:
The reason I hate control is because the concept was abused in my life. Control obviously can and should be a very positive, healthy thing, but it very easily can turn very very very dark. Like DOMINATION, etc. I've been there. Trust me. That's my it's a "button word" for me. Pushes my buttons. I DON'T want a "big, strong" father. I had that. And I can tell you what big strong fathers do--they beat you and fill your existence with terror.
6/4/02:
thanks! i know my father well and i laugh at his pathetic life and how he thinks hes got it all together when the only one in his life who thinks so is he himself. Everyone else around him shakes their heads in pity.
HM, you can be angry, and upset all you need. I was just pointing to the fact that Ben A. is a recovering alcoholic and not a "civilian".
HM,
When I speak about control, I am not talking about G-d controlling YOU. Your free choice is the only thing to credit or to blame for your actions.
I am talking about G-d's control of the WORLD.
We do not live in a chaotic universe. G-d is re-creating the world something from absolute nothing every single second. He is putting everything just where He wants it. Nothing escapes His attention, no detail is neglected.
That kind of CONTROL is what the Baal Shem Tov taught the world when he explained how G-d's providence extends even to a little leaf falling from a tree. When I start to forget that it's all from G-d, I get resentful and scared. When I remember that it's all going according to plan, I feel serenity.
Bottom line: the situation may not be pretty, but it's all perfectly UNDER CONTROL!
HM,
I never said that the paragraph that I erased was nasty.
I am responsible for my recovery.
The sooner I stop blaming my problems on others the sooner I will be able to start to recover.
Weather that guy who told you that was 14 yrs or 14 minutes sober, Your paternal father is not G-d. You do not have to choose to think about G-d in the same way that you think about your paternal father.
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