My Latest Excuse

Heller C comments on The deceiving Rivers:

I'm sitting here in my apartment wanting to respond to this message. Problem is I've been staring at this screen for half an hour trying to figure out how to express myself. I know I relate to this message-I know I live this message-I know I am in the deceiving waters. I guess the question is when did I start to deceive myself. Or maybe that's not the question at all. Far as I can remember deception has always been a part of my life. I guess I started lying to myself to deal with reality. Telling myself that everything would be o.k when I knew it would not.

I knew when I was 12 years old that my mother would not be o.k. I lied to myself for 10 years - not wanting to deal with the reality that I knew somehow that her addiction would kill her. I used her addiction to lie to myself. Ultimately I used her death as an excuse to do whatever I wanted to. That ended me up in my own addiction. I lied to myself and told myself everything would be o.k-- that my father would get that heart he needed. He did not, and somewhere inside I knew it would end up that way. I used his death as an excuse to do whatever I wanted. I am not even speaking in any order of events- my father actually died first-my mother shortly after. I used all these things as an excuse. When my fathers brother died from the same thing as my dad at the same age it just reinforced the feeling that whatever I did was alright.

Ultimately that path led me to a 400 dollar a day heroine and cocaine addiction, not to mention the occasional fifth of whiskey when I could not get what I needed. Three times a day, just like breakfast lunch and dinner- at the dealers house. She was actually an old lady. I met her in the after hour clubs of Detroit. She ran the bar and the cocaine and heroine sales. I would go to the spot every night, was not long before she slipped me her cell #. Now I did not have to wait for the after hour clubs to open at 2 am. My store was now open 24/7. Three times a day every day. It only got worse when I started shooting 50 dollars of coke and 50 dollars of Heroine into my veins at the same time.

I made this woman rich, she made me an animal. I actually thought she cared about me, or maybe that was also me lying to myself. Whenever I recorded a new song or record I would actually give her a copy first, somehow pretending that her opinion actually mattered. When I got pulled over with a speedball ready to go and the cop found it, the first thing he said was that I would not have the car I was driving for more than 6 months. He actually let me go with a syringe full of dope-- I pulled over on the next block and shot the dope. His prediction about my car came true. I don't really know where I am going with this-G-d knows I could go on all night.

I just know one thing. Through all of my struggles my triplet brothers were always close by. At least I had them. After all, they knew what I had really been through growing up. I guess that is why I always felt, even in my worst addiction that they did not judge me. Now that my brother is gone I face a new challenge. The challenge of not using his death as an excuse. I pray to G-d that he gives me the strength to go the other way this time. To be honest losing him hurts more that everyone I have ever lost put together. It is truly unbearable. I don't know where my river branched off into deceit. I don't know if I care.

As I sit here right now I have every reason not to make an excuse. I am looking at the possibility of going away to prison for a long time for the things I have done in my past. I will not lie to myself and think that this threat is enough to keep me away from using. I have 90 days until I am sentenced in federal court. I know where my river comes from- I will not lie and say I know where it branched off into the river of deception. In truth I don't remember. I don't think it even matters right now. All that mattes to me today is not using my latest excuse.